Older Rant … New to the Blog

I wrote this quite some time ago in response to the ’straw that broke the camel’s back’ in running our business.  Of course, we are still here and still putting up with a lot of crap, but most days aren’t so bad.  Must excuse angry language!!

We are human beings. Yes, we are your AGENTS, but we are still human beings. We are also business owners, sick and tired. After only 5 years of being newsagents, dealing with suppliers who think we should be machines (or should be earning enough – HA – to afford machines to do our work) I, personally, am THIS close to going POSTAL!!

This particular flip-out comes after months of begging, being nice, getting angry and ultimately being ignored. And YES you have ignored us!! The delivery driver who drops the CM Inserts off on Fridays is a fucking jerk!! Never mind that he can’t remember to put the bundles of papers up against the wall in front of our shop (since he is not willing to bring them inside). Never mind that he, nevertheless, manages to deliver the bundles to the agent across the road, not just into the same place every week, but INSIDE their wrapping area!! Never mind that he doesn’t even show us the courtesy of bringing the delivery dockets into the shop so that we might verify that we have received the correct delivery. Never fucking mind that we have asked him, begged him and told him that we would like the bundles stacked against the front wall of the shop AND would he also please let us know when the delivery has been made. NOOOOOOOOO!! This guy has got issues with us —- personal issues —– that are irrelevant to his JOB, yet they seem to affect his JOB. It would serve you well to ensure your employees and contractors – who represent YOU – behave as if we were human and as if they were representatives, not fucking GOD.

I’ve personally had enough. Actually, I’ve had enough for quite some time now, only since we foolishly borrowed to get into a business that boasted 1% failure rate, and the terms on those loans extend over the term of a quarter of my life, and we overestimated my ability to manage a store AND complete the bookwork, it would appear that we had best make do with what we have. BTW now I know why it boasts a 1% failure rate!! Without being a franchise, with franchising laws to guide and to protect, our business is ‘guided’ (read: dictated to) by our main suppliers.

And what, exactly do we have?? A big fucking debt, a little spending money, Somewhere to be every day. A roof over our heads. Some pretty good customers. Some real bastard customers. Poor, very very very poor suppliers. AND not enough fucking good drugs to deal with it all.

Of course, there’s good and bad in every business. And of course, yes, we should just suck it up and take it. But you know what?? NOPE ‘m not taking it laying down. I want you to acknowledge that we are human. I want to be treated as a human with basic respect and courtesy. And you know what, we damned well deserve more respect for what we do as your agents. And let’s not even go into the financial investment that should be expected, because none of our other major suppliers give a flying fuck either. I’m just going to start with you. Say it with me, “You are human too and deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy as any other human being does.” If you can’t bring yourself to say that (and mean it AND really believe it), then you, sir, are no human yourself. And you most certainly should not expect pleasantries from this particular human being.

 

The boy

I told Mr today that I didn’t want to go home.  (I am at home now, just so you know).  But when I said it, I meant it.  I’m tired and unsatisfied and unsettled and I have been all these things on and off for some time now, but it all came to a head last night. 

The boy came home late last night (he IS 21, so that’s not the problem!!) and, being blind rotten drunk*, bashed the back door in to get inside.  It frightened the shit out of me, especially considering his history with alcohol/drug induced ‘episodes’.  And my personal fear of violent drunks (actually, it’s more like a fear of anyone who is extremely drunk because they might become violent).

*Now, to be fair, he says he only had a few drinks and it appears that one of his drinks may have been spiked.  He’s not feeling terribly well today (erratic heart rate, sweats, nausea and whatnot) and he went to the doc for some tests, so we will know more about that early next week.

The thing is, though, the boy has a problem with alcohol.  At least, that’s my opinion.  Not that something memorable happens every time he drinks, but there have been a number of occasions where he has been very scary.  And he doesn’t remember anything of any of these ‘episodes’.  He once called home for someone to pick him up in such a state, and, not recognising either me or his girlfriend when we arrived, he freaked out and ran the other direction, screaming obscenities at us.  His mates brought him home during another episode, after he had physically attacked one of them in a blind rage.  One of his best mates – and he didn’t remember it. 

I can’t begin to describe how traumatic it is to watch him in that state.  And how scary it is to be anywhere near him at that time.  Because he doesn’t actually know what he is doing (and he won’t remember it later), and because I genuinely feel he is capable of seriously hurting someone while he is in the grips of an episode.

Look, it doesn’t happen every time he drinks.  In fact, I have only seen him like that a handful of times within the last 12 months or so.  But I told him about my fear of violent drunks just recently and he seemed to understand and respect my feelings.  But lately, there has been just a little more alcohol in the house.  Just a few more nights out on the piss. 

And when he came home like that last night, and broke in the back door, I was scared.  Irrational though it might be, I lay awake for some time, wondering how bad he really was (because I was told to stay in bed, I didn’t see him) – was he bad enough that he might come into our bedroom and hurt us?  The normal boy wouldn’t (and he didn’t), but I just don’t know what the episode boy is capable of.

So when I woke up this morning, after a fitful sleep, I was all kinds of messed up.  In the head, I mean.  I wanted out.  Out of the house, out of the family, away from everything.  By myself.  And I couldn’t explain any of this to Mr (because I also have issues with communication) to help him understand why I didn’t want to come home, so all I told him was that I was scared of the boy and I didn’t want to go home.

But I never want to hurt Mr.  Especially not with my selfishness.  And so I came home.  Logically, I knew there was nothing to be scared of about coming home tonight to Mr and the boy (now sobered up and feeling quite ill).  But I also know that it’s only good until the next time he comes home drunk.

Of course, recognising that I already had ongoing issues (tired and unsatisfied and unsettled), I was already a bomb waiting to go off.  But is this all a trigger or just an excuse to act out?

Back to Normal

It’s been a while.  Things happen and, as much as they change, they stay the same.  I’ve had some reservations about writing, feeling like I don’t have the necessary material to be interesting enough for the read.  Thing is, I have had interesting stuff (ok, psycho stuff) in my head quite frequently and it would have been quite lengthy in the writing, but it’s never made it this far yet.  That’s something that takes access and patience, of which I have neither sometimes.

In fact, the psycho stuff has come more frequently of late than it has for quite some time.  It comes and goes, the anger and the frustration.  My darling cops the brunt of most of the anger and all of the frustration, and I am proud to say he is extremely patient and understanding, oftentimes helping me sort out the issues. 

Of course, I am aware of the triggers (hormones and insecurity) but I just can’t seem to help myself.  And the worst thing is, I stew on things.  I think and think and overanalyse every little thing that bugs me, which builds on the frustration and, subsequently, the anger.  How to be aware of these things and not be able to control them? 

But I do have fantastic distractions!  There’s my darling (how lucky I am), there’s work (long hours, dealing with customers), there’s my friends and siblings with their individual dramas (it’s a long list) and there’s my sometime online friends (they are amazing people – my kind of people).  You might be able to tell, though, right now things are good.  I’m feeling somewhat normal and without any real complaint.

Of course that could all change with a look.  Oh, I exaggerate lol.  I’m tonka tough