Older Rant … New to the Blog

I wrote this quite some time ago in response to the ’straw that broke the camel’s back’ in running our business.  Of course, we are still here and still putting up with a lot of crap, but most days aren’t so bad.  Must excuse angry language!!

We are human beings. Yes, we are your AGENTS, but we are still human beings. We are also business owners, sick and tired. After only 5 years of being newsagents, dealing with suppliers who think we should be machines (or should be earning enough – HA – to afford machines to do our work) I, personally, am THIS close to going POSTAL!!

This particular flip-out comes after months of begging, being nice, getting angry and ultimately being ignored. And YES you have ignored us!! The delivery driver who drops the CM Inserts off on Fridays is a fucking jerk!! Never mind that he can’t remember to put the bundles of papers up against the wall in front of our shop (since he is not willing to bring them inside). Never mind that he, nevertheless, manages to deliver the bundles to the agent across the road, not just into the same place every week, but INSIDE their wrapping area!! Never mind that he doesn’t even show us the courtesy of bringing the delivery dockets into the shop so that we might verify that we have received the correct delivery. Never fucking mind that we have asked him, begged him and told him that we would like the bundles stacked against the front wall of the shop AND would he also please let us know when the delivery has been made. NOOOOOOOOO!! This guy has got issues with us —- personal issues —– that are irrelevant to his JOB, yet they seem to affect his JOB. It would serve you well to ensure your employees and contractors – who represent YOU – behave as if we were human and as if they were representatives, not fucking GOD.

I’ve personally had enough. Actually, I’ve had enough for quite some time now, only since we foolishly borrowed to get into a business that boasted 1% failure rate, and the terms on those loans extend over the term of a quarter of my life, and we overestimated my ability to manage a store AND complete the bookwork, it would appear that we had best make do with what we have. BTW now I know why it boasts a 1% failure rate!! Without being a franchise, with franchising laws to guide and to protect, our business is ‘guided’ (read: dictated to) by our main suppliers.

And what, exactly do we have?? A big fucking debt, a little spending money, Somewhere to be every day. A roof over our heads. Some pretty good customers. Some real bastard customers. Poor, very very very poor suppliers. AND not enough fucking good drugs to deal with it all.

Of course, there’s good and bad in every business. And of course, yes, we should just suck it up and take it. But you know what?? NOPE ‘m not taking it laying down. I want you to acknowledge that we are human. I want to be treated as a human with basic respect and courtesy. And you know what, we damned well deserve more respect for what we do as your agents. And let’s not even go into the financial investment that should be expected, because none of our other major suppliers give a flying fuck either. I’m just going to start with you. Say it with me, “You are human too and deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy as any other human being does.” If you can’t bring yourself to say that (and mean it AND really believe it), then you, sir, are no human yourself. And you most certainly should not expect pleasantries from this particular human being.

 

Torn in Turmoil

I’ve spent most of today (at work, in between customers) writing pages and pages about my current issue (according to the writing, though, there are a couple issues).  And it didn’t change anything.  Well, ok, maybe a little, since I DID come home afterall.  The worst thing about this particular issue is I know it is not blown out of proportion by hormones (which would usually be the case).

Of course, the problem could be (is likely) me, myself.  The way I deal with things is sometimes overly emotional and maybe even a little immature.  But just being aware of these things does not make it any easier to spot, stop and control my reactions at the time of implosion.  Perhaps it is the chemicals in my brain again, meaning I need to go get some pills to fix it.  But maybe this turmoil is something that can’t be cured with a pill.  Or maybe it can.  It worked last time.  For like 12 months, the pills sorted the brain chemicals and I felt normal.  No freak outs, no over-reactions to things (aside from the normal hormonal issues I have every month anyway), that was, until about a month after I stopped taking them (thinking I was much better).  And now that I think about it, it might be the right thing to do to go back on the pills.

Because, no matter how much I wrote today (and it was a LOT!), I seemed to be going round and round in circles.  Backwards and forwards over the same things.   And always coming to the same conclusion.  The best course of action (and least troubling for everyone involved – and this was before I thought about the pills) is to suck it up.  Compromise and make the necessary sacrifices that everyone else has to make in order for relationships to work.

It doesn’t seem so hard.  Except it is.  Because I’m a selfish, self-centred person who wants to have everything my own way to feel happy with my life.  Because my life is disappointing.  Not going anywhere.  Aww shit.

About Inner Turmoil

This particular brand of inner turmoil comes from being unable to speak openly when agitated. 

It’s taken years of feeling what I (still) call ‘psycho’, to realise the agitation is born of frustration with self-censuring.  Oh, of course, there are other causes, effects and over-reactions, but, well, you get the point.  And if not, I’m sure, if you read for long enough, you will.

Instead of speaking, and on the occasions where I can’t internalise any more, I write.  There are countless ‘diaries’ and ‘journals’ I have written in (longhand, no less) over the years, detailing over-analysing thoughts and silent outbursts during any given mini-meltdown.  And perhaps some of those entries might find their way here someday.  Until then, this is my new venting place.

It’s the way of the future right?